2008 Thanksgiving Sales Tips

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’Twas the night after Thanksgiving, and all through the shop — no employees were stirring, in fact they hid for their lives. The sweaters were hung on the hangers with care, in hopes that the Zombie-like customers soon would be there.

There’s a reason the day after Thanksgiving is called Black Friday — it isn’t because it’s the day that retailers move out of the red and into the black, and it’s not because there have actually been casualties in the rush-to-shop that overtakes normal people and changes them into sale-loving-Zombies (the worst kind of Zombies.) The real reason — and you’re hearing this here first — is that the Friday after every Thanksgiving sees so many people hit the stores that it actually shifts the Space-Time Continuum just a little.

Scientists believe that this will eventually open a black hole (see where we’re going with this?) and send the Earth into another dimension, a strange dimension, perpetually in-between Holidays — where people are always in the midst of digesting a turkey while wondering what terrible sweater to buy a loved one… thus, Black Friday.

Below is a Top 10 list of what you should know and do that fateful day. We have spent the last fifteen years carefully studying and testing each one of the suggestions below. This is, without a doubt, the most decisive Black Friday Survival Guide you will ever read. Are you ready?

Here we go…

10. Don’t Wear Anything You Wouldn’t Wear In a Mexican Mosh Pit

Sure, most of the world is going to be in the same store as you, and yes, you’re probably going to bump into at least one person from your past who you’ve at one point or another slept with. But let us put it into perspective — and we’re talking to the women right now since, for most men, dressing up means wearing the slightly darker jeans and buttoning up that shirt. Ladies — imagine giving birth for ten hours while your husband/boyfriend/children stand at your side and say, “Can we go? Are you done yet? Seriously, are you done? Okay, I’m actually serious now, are you done? Do we need that? We don’t need that. Don’t get that. Seriously, why do you need that? Put that down. Fine, get it, but I don’t think we need it. Are you done? Can we go? Seriously. Okay, I’m waiting in the car.” Oh, you’re also doing this while thousands of people are trying to buy your doctor at 30% off. And that’s kind of like dressing up for Black Friday. Our advice? Wear sweat pants, wear pajamas, wear slippers if you have to, just don’t wear anything that you wouldn’t wear to a mosh pit in Mexico.

9. Keep Hydrated - Passing Out Will Not Get You 30% Off On Pants

Yes, most malls have drinks readily available, but considering the sheer amount of people that will be flooding the stores, we highly suggest either grabbing a bottle of water or wearing one of those beer hats (you may or may not fill it with beer - just not enough to projectile vomit on other customers.) Another good reason for bringing your own water is that it ensures that you never have to leave a purchase line - and since you’ll be in those lines for quite some time, we’d suggest bringing a picnic basket and a bathroom while you’re at it. So, bring water, bring juice, bring anything that’ll keep you awake and focused - you’ve got a slightly less expensive shirt to buy.

We highly recommend a hydration pack if you’re going on a marathon shopping spree.